What Happens Offline
by SkywardShadow
Summary: On the sixth day of Christmas, Sasuke was traumatized. :ItaShi:


_uchihasasuke is now online_

**uchihasasuke**: Naruto are you there?

**uchihasasuke: **Naruto I don't care if it's a snow day there is no way you're still sleeping at this hour

**uchihasasuke: **Respond or I will hold you personally accountable for my psychological trauma

**uchihasasuke: **You'll be getting my therapy bills for years to come

**uchihasasuke: **NARUTO

_Ramenking97 is now online_

**Ramenking97**: jesus sasuke what the hell?!

**Ramenking97**: couldn't sleep with all the alerts from my laptop going off, are you dying or something?

**uchihasasuke:** …Were you seriously still sleeping?

**Ramenking97**: um, duh? It's a snow day, jerk, what else was I gonna be doing?

**Ramenking97**: so are you dying or what?

**uchihasasuke:** I haven't actually had an aneurysm yet, no, but it's still too early to tell

**uchihasasuke: **The day is young

**uchihasasuke: **Plenty of time to accrue more lasting nightmares

**Ramenking97**: you gonna tell me what's going on or can I go back to sleep?

**uchihasasuke:** You know my brother?

**Ramenking97**: and again: duh

**Ramenking97**: scary pacifist ninja badass who could kill me in my sleep in 1493753 different ways except he's too nice to actually do it

**uchihasasuke: **Yeah, and you know my cousin?

**Ramenking97**: dude, you have WAY too many cousins for me to keep track

**uchihasasuke: **Fair point. Okay, remember Shisui? Curly hair, grins way too much, turns everything into a stupid joke or an innuendo?

**Ramenking97**: oh yeah, he seemed like a pretty cool guy

**Ramenking97**: only uchiha I've ever met that didn't have a stick lodged up his ass

**uchihasasuke:** I'm going to be the bigger person and ignore that for now

**Ramenking97**: so why the Uchiha Family 20 Questions?

**uchihasasuke: **Because my brother and my cousin

**Ramenking97**: ?

**uchihasasuke:** I can't even type it

**Ramenking97**: dude, whatever trouble shisui's gotten your brother into it can't be THAT bad

**uchihasasuke: **They're in the hallway as we speak

**Ramenking97**: see? How much trouble could they possibly get into when they're still in the house?

**uchihasasuke: **They're under the fucking mistletoe

**Ramenking97**: …

**Ramenking97**: oh

**uchihasasuke: **Yeah

**Ramenking97**: like, just standing under the mistletoe having a normal conversation or

**uchihasasuke:** More like they're sticking their tongues down each other's throats

**uchihasasuke: **Oh God I'm going to be sick

**Ramenking97**: well, uh, at least it could be worse, y'know? The walls are pretty thin at your place

**Ramenking97**: just sayin'

**uchihasasuke:** Don't even JOKE about that

**uchihasasuke: **Do you have any idea the noises I am hearing right now

**uchihasasuke:** And I can't get my damn headphones because moving would require letting them know that I'm here trying not to burn my retinas out

**uchihasasuke:** Oh FUCK

**Ramenking97**: what?

**uchihasasuke:** Shisui's hand just went

**uchihasasuke:** Fuckity fuck I have not done anything nearly bad enough to deserve this

**Ramenking97**: LOL

**uchihasasuke: **This is not funny, Naruto

**uchihasasuke: **Oh shit there are moans I can't be listening to this

**uchihasasuke:** Fuck

**uchihasasuke: **My

**uchihasasuke: **Life

**Ramenking97**: jeez sasuke, chill out

**Ramenking97**: no offense but Itachi always seemed too uptight to be healthy yanno? Maybe this'll be good for him

**uchihasasuke: **I can kill you and make it look like an accident

**uchihasasuke**: Oh jesuschrist

**uchihasasuke**: Oh jesus CHRIST YOU'RE IN THE FUCKING HALLWAY DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT ANYONE COULD WALK BY AT ANY TIME JESUS FUCK

**Ramenking97**: maybe they're exhibitionists or something, u don't know

**Ramenking97**: besides, ur the one who can't quit watching

**Ramenking97**: voyeur perv

**uchihasasuke**: I will kill you

**uchihasasuke**: Very slowly

**uchihasasuke**: And with knives

**uchihasasuke**: Oh fucking hell they're going into Itachi's room I can't tell if this makes things better or worse

**Ramenking97**: well if it makes u feel any better, at least u know itachi can't get pregnant right?

**uchihasasuke**: …

**uchihasasuke**: Fucking SHIT the answer is worse it's so much worse

**uchihasasuke**: I'm in hell. I have died and I have gone to hell.

**uchihasasuke**: Oh god I can't be hearing this

**uchihasasuke**: Fuck it, I'm coming over

**Ramenking97**: wait, what

**Ramenking97**: I wanna go back to sleep, your walls can't be THAT thin, I was mostly kidding

**Ramenking97**: sasuke?

_uchihasasuke is now offline_

**Ramenking97**: oh ffs

_flickermaster is now online_

**flickermaster**: sorry about your lazy snow day, kiddo, but some things are more important than sleep ;)

**Ramenking97**: I think I'm starting to get why sasuke hates u

**Ramenking97**: heartless bastard

**flickermaster**: hey, someone has to traumatize my dear cousin every now and again, lest he get complacent

**flickermaster**: unfortunately you're the one who gets to deal with him being neurotic for the rest of the day

**flickermaster**: buuut that's the price you pay when you've basically married into the Uchiha family already

**Ramenking97**: ha freaking ha

**Ramenking97**: I knew even ur family couldn't be that weird

**Ramenking97**: u got itachi to go along with that though? All to traumatize sasuke?

**flickermaster**: ahahaha

**flickermaster**: what can I say, I made it worth his while

**Ramenking97**: …

**Ramenking97**: hey shisui, can I ask u something

**flickermaster**: ask fast, kiddo, I for one don't plan to waste my snow day

**Ramenking97**: yeah, about that

**Ramenking97**: it was just a prank, right? Like, itachi's just being a really good sport about all this, right?

**Ramenking97**: shisui?

**flickermaster**: um

_uchihaitachi is now online_

**uchihaitachi**: Hello, Naruto.

**flickermaster**: fuck

**Ramenking97**: uh, hi itachi

**uchihaitachi**: If you would excuse my idiot cousin, I would appreciate it.

**uchihaitachi**: He has some unfinished business to attend to.

**uchihaitachi**: But first I may need to murder him.

**Ramenking97**: uh, sure thing

**flickermaster**: traitor

**Ramenking97**: don't even, I think I hear sasuke pounding on my door as we speak

**Ramenking97**: shit, u so owe me for this

_Ramenking97 is now offline_

**flickermaster**: so…unfinished business first, you kill me later?

**uchihaitachi**: We'll see.

_flickermaster is now offline_

_uchihaitachi is now offline_


End file.
